Well, first off sorry that I have not blogged in quite some time. I could make excuses but they all would pretty much be bullshit, as there is no such thing as I didn’t have the time. The reality if we are honest with ourselves is I didn’t MAKE the time. Quite a big difference.
I must begin by admitting that I am in quite a bit of emotional pain. You hear the term a broken heart and I used to think it was rather melodramatic and couldn’t quite wrap my head around it.
Now I have experienced it first hand. I was dating a truly wonderful woman for just under 5 months and she dumped me a few days ago. The title of the blog has special meaning.
She had told me, maybe warned me would be a more honest assertion that she had 86 boyfriend rules. Well, while she never gave me the official count I would guess that I made it to around 80 or 81 of them rather successfully.
The last few were clearly the most important and significant of them to her and I sadly failed and broke them and now I am heart broken.
Dear reader before you jump to conclusions and make any assumptions, I did not do anything as heinous as cheating on her or abusing her in anyway. However, I tried to change her and I cornered her and tried to smother her.
While that may not be as horrible as other types of abuse I am man enough to admit that, these were HER rules and they were VERY important to her, and I should have been more respectful. I genuinely did not realize that I was not respecting her, because for a smart guy I often can be really, really stupid. I wish my radar had worked better before things got to this point, because we had a really, really good thing and I realize that, that was plenty.
I don’t mean this to seem as an excuse because it really is not, but it’s more of an explanation. I have only had a handful of relationships and am just not very experienced at them. I was with one woman for 20 years and that could fill several blog posts, but I mention it just to point out that I really am not great at relationships apparently primarily due to a lack of experience.
My motives were pure and I have a good heart, but I didn’t really see what I was doing until apparently it was too late. The only sport I really follow is baseball so I am going to use a baseball analogy to describe where things are and why I have not completely given up yet.
Another post will talk about Suicide as my brother killed himself 20 years ago last Friday and he was never a quitter until he did the ultimate quit, and I have always tried to not be a quitter, so while right now it appears that I have lost this woman forever I can’t quite quit, at least not yet.
Sometimes hope even if it is very small, is something to cling to. Yesterday was one of the darkest days of my life because I was dealing with the pain of the break up as well as having been recently reminded of my brother’s suicide, more on that in a moment. Also if that were not enough to deal with I have had plenty of stress at work and yesterday was my Daughter’s 23rd birthday and we are estranged.
So, I was feeling hopelessly alone and despondent. Now, to be honest and clear most of the issues in my life that I am dealing with are of my own doing.
The pain of my brothers suicide has been so painful and I am clearly STILL not over it, that I had completely blocked out the actual date and year of his suicide, so if you had asked me when he killed himself, I only could have told you that it was a long time ago. I always remembered WHERE I was when I got this terrible phone call, but could not have told you when.
I guess, that I didn’t want to remember for fear of having to always recognize this horrible anniversary. Last Friday my brother’s best friend who had been the one to call me and tell me my brother took his own life, sent me a very nice heartfelt note on Facebook talking about how hard it was to believe it had been 20 years since his suicide.
Of course I realize that he meant no harm by this, and I am actually touched that he reached out to me, as I have unfortunately destroyed too many relationships, but his reminder opened this long dormant wound and all kinds of feelings came flooding out.
I am committed this year to making amends and at least attempting to rebuild as many bridges as I have torched as folks will allow me to rebuild. At the very least I will go to my grave knowing that people can change and that I have indeed made true honest efforts to be a better man and to repair the damages that I have caused.
Now where the baseball analogy comes in, I bet you thought I had a derailment and lost my train of thought huh? I know that my girlfriend already after 3 days of having broken it off with me, has already found another man. I could just quit and give up on her, but besides the fact that I now, know where I screwed up and how to avoid those errors, I also believe Truly, Madly Deeply that no man will ever treat her as well as I can and did.
Besides my being a perfectionist I really am confident, that if she gives me the chance I will be able to clear the bases, in other words finish the rest of the 86 boyfriend rules and abide by them. Also there are two beautiful children involved who I am blessed both like me and I relate to them, and I really want to be a better man and be there for them if allowed.
Okay, back to Baseball, so when I was with this woman I was on top of the world and was in the Major Leagues, now she has sent me to the Minor Leagues and somebody else has replaced me on the roster. Now what does a Baseball player do when this happens?
Do they quit and accept that they will from now on have to languish in the Minors, or do they pull up their socks and work hard to get their spot back in the Majors? You know the answer, they fight like hell for their place back on the team they belong with and retrieve their spot on the Majors.
I don’t know whether I have the ability to get back to the Majors but I certainly will try. It’s possible that the new player is better than me and will ultimately be better for the team.
However, I am confident in my abilities and that I am a better overall player and can and should regain my position on the team.
Why you ask? Okay you may not have asked but shit, it’s my blog so I will tell you anyway. While the new guy maybe better at stealing bases, or hitting home runs or what not.
I am the complete package. I have a good batting average, I can field well, I am a team player, I am just a much better all around player than you are likely to find. Of that I am sure. I also am very good at adapting and learning from my mistakes.
Finally, I realized a few weeks ago and was about to mix it up to keep things interesting and prevent them from becoming boring and stale, but I ended up in the Minors before being able to show these new found skills.
I am not naive I know that at least at first the new guy will be fresh, new and exciting and raring to go and will probably do very well at the plate and in the field, but can he last and keep his skills at the level necessary to stay on the team and keep his position.
I would say Hell no, Shit no, Fuck no. So there you have it. I firmly believe he won’t have the stamina to keep playing at Major League levels. Therefore he will be sent back to Minors and somebody else will be called up to take his spot.
Will that be me again, well right now it does not look good for me, I readily admit that, however if the manager of the team deems to give me another shot at the Big Leagues I assure you that I will NOT fail again.
At the very least if I can’t make it back to the majors I hope that I can stay involved with the team in a friend capacity.
I was having difficulty posting this as I have very sketchy internet connections, so I am using my mobile phone as an internet connection to hopefully post it.
I hope my lady friend reads this, but I don’t know if she will, regardless it has been rather cathartic to write it.
Well, as always I am truly grateful for those of you that read my blog and as always welcome comments.