Doing it for myself

Recently I have made several positive changes in my life. As much as I want somebody in my life to share these changes with, at the present time I have nobody to share them with.

While it is extremely difficult and painful to accept this, I must.

I have come to the realization that I have to make these changes for me first.

Only after having done so will I find peace and then the healing can begin.

I won’t ever be able to help others until I first help myself.

Although, I currently feel very alone, I know that if I keep strong in my faith, I will find the right woman that I can share life with.

I am a good decent man that has a good heart.

For now that has to be enough.

As always I remain humbled and appreciative that you take the time to read my blog.

Carpe Diem,


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Working like a dog and recovering

Since I missed 3 weeks of work I am even further behind the financial 8-Ball.  So, I am working a 15 day straight stint, and even without having had surgery this would be rather exhausting, but as they say you got to do what you got to do, so there you go.

It may sound like I am complaining but I assure you I am not, I am grateful to work for a good company that has stood behind me as I work through all my medical issues.

As far as the Hernia surgery it was a success and I am recovering nicely.  The first couple of days were rough but today is day 8 and I feel close to normal.

The surgeon says that the swelling and bruising may take a month to two months to go away, crazy to me but hey I am not a doctor.  I just play one on TV! Just wanted to see if you were still with me.

Short sweet to the point today folks.

As always thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it.

Be kind to each other.

Carpe Diem,


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Hernia repair surgery time

What a fun time, uhh, not really.  Having a Hernia is no fun, not even a little bit.  I have what’s called an Inguinal Hernia, which is near the groin.

If you research a Hernia you will find out a few things, one of which scared the hell out me.  The first not really scary thing is that there is no cure, you need to have surgery.

The scary part which I read but after talking to doctors apparently is not too big a threat, but it sure sounded like it to me. 

Essentially a Hernia is a tear in your lining where your guts reside, and when you have one stuff, drops down in to your groin area.  The way you know this is you have a nice little, roughly baseball sized pouch.

The kind of gross part is that you can push this stuff back into your abdomen. 

The scary part is if this tear becomes larger, some fun stuff can happen.  Your guts can spill further down.

Where do they go?  I have no idea but all kinds of scary images come to mind. There is not much room beyond where the stuff has already dropped to, so I imagine my guts inside my leg.  Yeah I know gross picture but I guess I watch too many horror movies.

The I believe worse time is your bowels can get stuck and not push back and then it’s Emergency time.

Currently the pain is not too bad, but I suspect tomorrow after noon and evening will be no fun.

Still smiling though!

As always, thanks sincerely for reading.

Be kind to one another.


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Mental Illness – My story Part 2

If you are new to my blog or have not read Part 1, you are welcome to do so in order to gain some context for Part 2.

After going home on Saturday August 24th from the hospital under the false impression that I was and would be okay, I tried to continue my routine and life as if nothing was wrong.

I went to work the next day and the day after, but quickly realized that nothing had changed.  I was an emotional train wreck, and couldn’t function.  I worked through Wednesday and then had Thursday and Friday off.  I foolishly thought that I could use Thursday and Friday to recover and then I would be good to go on Saturday, my next scheduled day and from then on.


Came back Saturday and again I could not keep it together and was just a mess.  My boss realized how bad off I was and recommended I take the rest of the day off.  I left and went home and tried to relax again in the naive hope that I could just magically cure myself.

Later that afternoon I received a call from my best friend in Pennsylvania, and he started the conversation joking and jovial.  He knew I had been in the hospital the previous week.  He quickly realized that I was not in the mood for any joking and I was extremely depressed.

For a variety of reasons, most/all of which will be revealed in an upcoming blog post as well as in my book, I was feeling hopeless and alone and was suicidal. Many of the reasons for this are external and beyond my control but some are of my own doing.

This being the case, I really felt like all was lost.  Fortunately my friend quickly switched gears once he realized how bad off I was and he said I needed to check myself in to a facility in order to get help.  He had in the past known people that had gone to a Psychiatric facility and told me what to expect.

He made me promise I would do this before he got off the phone with me.  In fact he told me that if he was nearby he would take me himself, but he was 3,000 miles away and could not do so.  All throughout this conversation I was crying, but his concern and compassion gave me a sliver of hope.

I made a few phone calls to loved ones and lastly to my boss, letting them know I was checking myself in to a facility.  My boss graciously asked me if I wanted him to pick me up, and I said yes.  While I was waiting for my boss to pick me up, I received a phone call from a nurse at the hospital telling me that my friend from Pennsylvania had called the hospital and he asked what was going on.

When I told him how I felt and what was happening, he instructed me to go straight to the ER, which is where my boss took me.

Special thanks to my friend in Pennsylvania.  I will be forever grateful for his kindness and compassion.  I truly believe he not only saved my life but helped give me a future that I can feel happy to move toward.

Once I arrived at the ER, it was pretty much a repeat of the previous Saturday except this time, I made no attempts to bullshit my way out of the hospital, and instead admitted that I needed help.  Within a few hours I was transported to the Psychiatric facility.

This is a very frightening experience initially and rather surreal.  In some ways it felt like being back in boot camp, you are supposed to wake up at 6:00am and go to bed at 10:00pm and you have a pretty set routine.  I am really thankful for the care I received and the therapy.

While I was in there I was shown a DVD called “Men Get Depression” which had been a PBS special.  While it focuses on men, it is very applicable to women as well.  If you have anyone in your family or circle of friends who you know or suspect have suffered from Depression, please watch this video and then get them help.

Sources for help:

1.  Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-8255


3.  American Foundation for Suicide Prevention –

2.  National alliance on Mental Illness – 1-800-950-NAMI

These are just a few sources to seek help, and it is not meant to be the only sources.

What amazed me and truly opened my eyes during and after watching “Men Get Depression” is how many very successful and seemingly well adjusted men suffer from this disease.

Three interviews particularly stood out for me.  Eric Hipple who was a Quarterback for the Detroit Lions suffers from this disease.  Tom Johnson who was the Publisher of the LA Times AND the CEO of CNN suffers from this disease.  Lastly there was a Psychiatrist on the video that suffers from this disease.

So I am apparently in good company.  The significance of this is that, depression can and does touch anyone.  It doesn’t matter what your race, religion, sex or station in life is.  This disease does NOT discriminate, it can and does happen to anyone.

One sobering statistic from this video is that men who suffer from depression are 3 to 3.5 times more likely to have a heart event.  Not quite sure which events constitute a “Heart” event, but I am sure it’s not a good thing, so there you go!

Sadly I was in denial for many years before I finally received the help that I desperately needed.

As promised my “official” diagnosis, Anxiety disorder NOS, and Major depressive disorder, rec.  I have no clue what NOS or rec mean.  Now interestingly enough my ex-girlfriend is convinced that I am Bi-Polar.

It would be easy to dismiss this since I met with a psychiatrist who is a professional and she is not.  However, she has an understanding of the symptoms and manifestations of being Bi-Polar and she observed me for almost 5 months while the Psychiatrist spent a total of less than one hour with me over 3.5 days.

So, who is right?  Not sure but it probably behooves me to get a second opinion just to make sure I am on the right medication and moving in the right direction.

I am taking medication and starting this week will be seeing a therapist weekly for the foreseeable future.

I feel better than I have physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually than I have in a very, very, long time, and maybe ever!

As a footnote, I am having my Hernia repaired on Tuesday, so I look forward to being able to exercise soon.

In closing, it is my sincere hope and prayer that if you or someone you know is suffering, you will use the resources above or others to seek immediate help.

My goal is to continue to blog, finish and publish my book sometime next year, and to hopefully speak publically about my disease in order to inspire others to get the help they need. 

It is our duty and responsibility as people to reach out and lend a hand to those, that are suffering and help them get the help and healing they need.

Be kind to each other!

Thanks for reading!



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Burnt Bridges

At some point in the not too distant future I want to blog about some fun stuff, but for the short term I find myself needing to cover heavier topics.

Having said this, it is due to the fact that being a head strong stubborn person, I have found myself in a position with very few friends and allies.  Isn’t it said that acceptance of the problem is the first step to fixing it? 

Or something like that?

This year I will make a very concerted effort to make amends to those I have wronged, or mistreated.  I can only hope that these folks and sadly there are many will receive my olive branch as it is intended, from the heart and with NO ulterior motives whatsoever.

I cannot control what others say, think or do, only what I do.  I am committed to being a better man today than I was yesterday and a better man tomorrow than I am today.

I will fall and fail from time to time, I know this already, but I will continue to dust myself off and march forward.  Need to keep it relatively short today as I have lots of other things to do as I prepare to make said amends.

I am open to fun topics for your future blogging pleasure.  A few that I like are movies, video games, and television.

In particular I am watching the last season of Breaking Bad and catching up on the first half via Netflix, and definitely want to blog about that.  I also have the dream or aspiration to at some point do Voice Over work or maybe bit part acting.

Also have been reading quite a few books, my ex-girlfriend reignited my passion for reading and for that I will be forever grateful.

I have been told by several people I have a good radio type voice, so who knows.  I also plan to find my book notes and keep writing it.

As always I know how busy you all are and I am genuinely humbled that you would take the time to read my blog.

Peace and Carpe Diem,



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86 Boyfriend rules

Well, first off sorry that I have not blogged in quite some time.  I could make excuses but they all would pretty much be bullshit, as there is no such thing as I didn’t have the time.  The reality if we are honest with ourselves is I didn’t MAKE the time.  Quite a big difference.

I must begin by admitting that I am in quite a bit of emotional pain.  You hear the term a broken heart and I used to think it was rather melodramatic and couldn’t quite wrap my head around it.

Now I have experienced it first hand.  I was dating a truly wonderful woman for just under 5 months and she dumped me a few days ago.  The title of the blog has special meaning.

She had told me, maybe warned me would be a more honest assertion that she had 86 boyfriend rules.  Well, while she never gave me the official count I would guess that I made it to around 80 or 81 of them rather successfully.

The last few were clearly the most important and significant of them to her and I sadly failed and broke them and now I am heart broken. 

Dear reader before you jump to conclusions and make any assumptions, I did not do anything as heinous as cheating on her or abusing her in anyway.  However, I tried to change her and I cornered her and tried to smother her.

While that may not be as horrible as other types of abuse I am man enough to admit that, these were HER rules and they were VERY important to her, and I should have been more respectful.  I genuinely did not realize that I was not respecting her, because for a smart guy I often can be really, really stupid.  I wish my radar had worked better before things got to this point, because we had a really, really good thing and I realize that, that was plenty. 

I don’t mean this to seem as an excuse because it really is not, but it’s more of an explanation.  I have only had a handful of relationships and am just not very experienced at them.  I was with one woman for 20 years and that could fill several blog posts, but I mention it just to point out that I really am not great at relationships apparently primarily due to a lack of experience.

My motives were pure and I have a good heart, but I didn’t really see what I was doing until apparently it was too late.  The only sport I really follow is baseball so I am going to use a baseball analogy to describe where things are and why I have not completely given up yet.

Another post will talk about Suicide as my brother killed himself 20 years ago last Friday and he was never a quitter until he did the ultimate quit, and I have always tried to not be a quitter, so while right now it appears that I have lost this woman forever I can’t quite quit, at least not yet.

Sometimes hope even if it is very small, is something to cling to.  Yesterday was one of the darkest days of my life because I was dealing with the pain of the break up as well as having been recently reminded of my brother’s suicide, more on that in a moment.  Also if that were not enough to deal with I have had plenty of stress at work and yesterday was my Daughter’s 23rd birthday and we are estranged.

So, I was feeling hopelessly alone and despondent.  Now, to be honest and clear most of the issues in my life that I am dealing with are of my own doing.

The pain of my brothers suicide has been so painful and I am clearly STILL not over it, that I had completely blocked out the actual date and year of his suicide, so if you had asked me when he killed himself, I only could have told you that it was a long time ago.  I always remembered WHERE I was when I got this terrible phone call, but could not have told you when.

I guess, that I didn’t want to remember for fear of having to always recognize this horrible anniversary.  Last Friday my brother’s best friend who had been the one to call me and tell me my brother took his own life, sent me a very nice heartfelt note on Facebook talking about how hard it was to believe it had been 20 years since his suicide.

Of course I realize that he meant no harm by this, and I am actually touched that he reached out to me, as I have unfortunately destroyed too many relationships, but his reminder opened this long dormant wound and all kinds of feelings came flooding out.

I am committed this year to making amends and at least attempting to rebuild as many bridges as I have torched as folks will allow me to rebuild.  At the very least I will go to my grave knowing that people can change and that I have indeed made true honest efforts to be a better man and to repair the damages that I have caused.

Now where the baseball analogy comes in, I bet you thought I had a derailment and lost my train of thought huh?  I know that my girlfriend already after 3 days of having broken it off with me, has already found another man.  I could just quit and give up on her, but besides the fact that I now, know where I screwed up and how to avoid those errors, I also believe Truly, Madly Deeply that no man will ever treat her as well as I can and did.

Besides my being a perfectionist I really am confident, that if she gives me the chance I will be able to clear the bases, in other words finish the rest of the 86 boyfriend rules and abide by them.  Also there are two beautiful children involved who I am blessed both like me and I relate to them, and I really want to be a better man and be there for them if allowed.

Okay, back to Baseball, so when I was with this woman I was on top of the world and was in the Major Leagues, now she has sent me to the Minor Leagues and somebody else has replaced me on the roster.  Now what does a Baseball player do when this happens?

Do they quit and accept that they will from now on have to languish in the Minors, or do they pull up their socks and work hard to get their spot back in the Majors?  You know the answer, they fight like hell for their place back on the team they belong with and retrieve their spot on the Majors.

I don’t know whether I have the ability to get back to the Majors but I certainly will try.  It’s possible that the new player is better than me and will ultimately be better for the team.

However, I am confident in my abilities and that I am a better overall player and can and should regain my position on the team.

Why you ask?  Okay you may not have asked but shit, it’s my blog so I will tell you anyway.  While the new guy maybe better at stealing bases, or hitting home runs or what not. 

I am the complete package.  I have a good batting average, I can field well, I am a team player, I am just a much better all around player than you are likely to find.  Of that I am sure.  I also am very good at adapting and learning from my mistakes.

Finally, I realized a few weeks ago and was about to mix it up to keep things interesting and prevent them from becoming boring and stale, but I ended up in the Minors before being able to show these new found skills.

I am not naive I know that at least at first the new guy will be fresh, new and exciting and raring to go and will probably do very well at the plate and in the field, but can he last and keep his skills at the level necessary to stay on the team and keep his position.

I would say Hell no, Shit no, Fuck no.  So there you have it.  I firmly believe he won’t have the stamina to keep playing at Major League levels.  Therefore he will be sent back to Minors and somebody else will be called up to take his spot.

Will that be me again, well right now it does not look good for me, I readily admit that, however if the manager of the team deems to give me another shot at the Big Leagues I assure you that I will NOT fail again.

At the very least if I can’t make it back to the majors I hope that I can stay involved with the team in a friend capacity.

I was having difficulty posting this as I have very sketchy internet connections, so I am using my mobile phone as an internet connection to hopefully post it.

I hope my lady friend reads this, but I don’t know if she will, regardless it has been rather cathartic to write it.

Well, as always I am truly grateful for those of you that read my blog and as always welcome comments.

Carpe Diem



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Quick update

Sorry, it has been so long since I posted last. Have been very busy and doing some life rebuilding. I am doing this quick post via mobile phone, which needless to say is rather cumbersome and arduous.

Next week if all goes as planned I will be in a better position to post on a more regular basis.

I also plan to be quite a bit more active on Twitter and possibly Facebook. I also will continue writing my book which I would like to finish as soon as possible and self publish on Kindle.

I actually have another idea for a book after this one. Well, there is much more to write about, but that’s enough for now.

A heartfelt thanks to the small but loyal and slowly growing group of folks that read my blog.

Carpe diem


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